Scribbled on dreams ~

Today has been an interesting day. I have really struggled today. I haven't felt good (it's that time ;-) and while the first several days of this week were filled with much productivity, today was filled with...well, nothing! I just have not been able to muster up the energy to do anything productive. Sure, I took the kids to school and picked them up and I posted about my deals on the frugal blog. But I just have not been able to keep my mind centered on the more important things that today held. First off, the hubby was taking his final exam today for his manager training...which is typically a nail bitter day anyway since he can not fail the test or it would be automatic out of the program. But today was the final...the make it or break it. There is no room for error in this phase of his training and these tests...well they are just crazy...tons and tons of questions, some not even covered in the training. I knew that our future with Lowe's hung in the balance today...so I waited patiently, or maybe not so much, for his call to let me know that he PASSED. (praise Jesus!!!) I had prayed...and prayed and I knew that God was with him and he would be just fine...but still I was nervous. So, I was so relieved when I finally got the call that all was well. He is now officially an Operations Manager...or "opposite manager" as Jaeden called him (could be a Freudian slip...LOL). But still there were some big things weighing heavy on my mind today. I still felt this cloud above me. Then the phone rings and 2 calls in a row were bill collector's telling me that we owed for past due doctor's bills...one for $480.00 which was totally incorrect, but try telling that to them when all they want to do is argue with you. The other for $375.00 which was our deductible plus an additional $100.00 collection fee...really??? $100...that's just great! So again...talking to a collector is like talking to a brick wall...ya get nowhere. So now even more frustrated I started focusing on all the negatives we are facing right now...and became even more frustrated and upset. I just kept crying...looking backward instead of looking forward. Truth is the "negatives" really aren't negatives at all...they are meant to be positives, but it is so hard to see it that way when I get down. As we laid down in bed I wanted to share my feelings with Kris...but he was so exhausted from today that he fell asleep while I was mid sentence...well that brought on even more tears. Knowing full well that he did not fall asleep on purpose...he was just spent as well and was ready to shut down for the night, still it bothered me...I needed him and he had the nerve to fall asleep, LOL. So here I sit...downstairs...by myself...at 2 am. Unable to sleep and unable to let go of today. I started reading emails and came across a devotional that was sent to me from proverbs31.com. It was talking about dreams and how we loose sight of our dreams that were once so vivid. I cried. As I read that email, I realized how today was so insignificant in the big picture and how God had not forgotten about our dreams, but rather how today I had let them become scribbled on dreams. Today in my frustration, I let my hopes and dreams become impossible. Forgetting that He is the author of those dreams. That His timing is NOT my timing and that He sees the big picture...not just the obscured view that I was seeing through my chosen lens. One day...a silly day and I let it change my focus...even if momentarily...how silly! I still have no answers to the multiple questions that surround our future...but I know that God has all the answers, He is just not ready to reveal them yet. So...I wait...with much anticipation and much hope! I pray that tomorrow I choose the lens of faith and that I see in a much different light. I pray for wisdom, favor and divine appointment.
I've included the devotional below...I hope it is encouragement to someone reading this.
Scribbled-On Dreams 24 Mar 2009
Marybeth Whalen
"Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you have planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare." Psalm 40:5 (NIV)Recently I learned that a book that I had given up on was miraculously going to be published after all. I was amazed at God's power and His timing. I was ecstatic that He opened doors that I thought were shut forever. As I dug out the original notebook I had once designated to hold the papers and notes I would need for this project, I was shocked to find that almost every page in that notebook was scribbled on by my youngest child. Her artwork made every page unusable! I chuckled to myself as I closed the notebook and went in search of another one to use instead.Later I reflected on my decision to hand over that notebook to my child. What had made me do that? I knew that it was because the project was, in my estimation, worthless, forgotten. The notebook represented something that would never be. It epitomized the death of a dream. Why not let my daughter fill in the pages with her toddler scribbles? I must have reasoned that nothing else would ever fill those pages!And yet we serve a God who can blow new life into a dead dream. I had forgotten all about the book I once yearned to write. I had moved on in search of a new dream. But God had not forgotten. His plan was different—and longer—than mine. His vision was further reaching. His outcome never consisted of me writing my dream off as worthless and unachievable. Instead He wanted me to trust in Him even when the situation looked hopeless.Do you have a dream that looks dead from where you are standing? Have you thrown in the towel, chalked your efforts up to experience and moved on? Just don't move so far that God can't bring you back to the dream when He is ready. Don't fill in the pages of your notebook with hopeless scribbles and not give Him room to fill the pages with His Word, words of life and hope and vision. Yes, surrender your dreams—holding onto them lightly and always keeping His plans as your purpose, ready to lay down anything He asks because no dream is more important than Him. But also remember that God loves to bring about the unexpected, throwing us little surprise parties that bring joy to His Father's heart.My notebook now serves as a reminder—in childlike script—of God's ability to overcome the impossible and open doors that were once slammed shut. I wouldn't trade those scribbled-on pages for anything! Now I look forward to filling the pages of a new notebook with all new dreams. Dreams that were handed back to me when I least expected it.
Dear Lord, please help me to trust You when things don't work out and I have to surrender my dreams. Help me to rest in the fact that You see things from a much bigger vantage point than I ever could. Help me to know that You always have my best interests in mind, even when You close doors I wanted open. And help me Lord to be ever mindful of Your power that is always at work—even when I can't see it. In Jesus' Name, Amen.